He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
