did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize