I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
