lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
