just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
