Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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