Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Who did Billy Mays play for?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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