I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
