I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
