My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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