The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
