Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
