You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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