I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
