I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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