If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
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