I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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