I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize