I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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