I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
