I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
That accounts for only three of the penises
This is my gift to your gina
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
