I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
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