Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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