I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
