We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize