Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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