somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
