I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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