My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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