bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
