Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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