If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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