dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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