oh god the rape fog is back!
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
