do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
