just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
