I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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