You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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