Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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