Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
