i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
