i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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