im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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