Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize