I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
