Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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