Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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