I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
