dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
