so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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