Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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