Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
