guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
