You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Randomize
