he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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