I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
