I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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