Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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