Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize