hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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