If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
