EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
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